I’m retiring from international football

I’m sad to announce that I’m bringing the curtain down on my career in international football. Without wanting to add further to the problems faced by Fabio Capello in the wake of the Aston Villa player, Luke Young’s, shock retirement last night, I just think South Africa might be a tournament too far for me.

Years of pizza, four packs of lager on a Friday evening and an increasing aversion to any kind of physical exercise are, I admit, beginning to affect my performances. I know many will be disappointed and I am already braced, as is Luke Young, for the barrage of criticism that will head my way from the radio phone-ins and national press, in the same way that allegations of being unpatriotic were heaped on Liverpool’s Jamie Carragher when he announced his retirement (but strangely not Paul Scholes).

My only regret is that, if England are based in South Africa’s wine country, I won’t be there to help the WAGs choose between a fruity Cape red and a Spier plantation cabernet sauvignon.

Alas it wasn’t to be.