Hell's Brief?

According to PR Week, "Chef Ramsay" is in final talks with Phil Hall to handle his personal PR. Forget Hell's Kitchen, Hell's Brief more like.

This is the man who reportedly had a seven year affair with a professional mistress, is in financial trouble, lied about his footballing career and buys in ready meals for his chain of gastro pubs. Not good, on any level.

All this wouldn't be quite so bad if Gordon Ramsay hadn't made the bulk of his fortune by constantly extolling the virtues of being well, Gordon Ramsay. Highly skilled, a god in bed as well as the kitchen, an insightful business-man, fighting fit with the talent to play football for Scotland - Gordon is, according to Gordon at least, quite brilliant.

Well, I've never done celebrity PR - shopping centres, solicitors and supermarkets - yes; super chefs - no. That said, I still have a few ideas for Phil Hall Associates, starting with getting Gordon to whip up and eat up a particularly large piece of humble pie.

Next, I'd ban him from any future episodes of Kitchen Nightmares as I half think this is where the trouble all started. Most episodes seem to heavily centre around some poor failing restaurateur being told by Gordon to be more like Gordon. Especially the Americans. The poor Americans.

Then, I'd ban Tana Ramsay from leaving the house until all the trouble has blown over. So beautiful, so pure, so innocent - every time I see the poor women, I feel a little bit crosser with naughty Gordon and his wandering underpants.

Finally, I'd make sure that he stopped all this jumping up and down business on TV. I get it Gordon, you're fit. You look after your body and take pride in yourself. You have more energy than me - well, so does Timmy Mallet but that didn't stop him from being the second-most hated man in the Antipodean in the last Celebrity Camping extravaganza, did it?

So, good luck Phil. Not sure what he said when he first got the brief but I wouldn't mind guessing the F-Word was in there somewhere.